I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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