i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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