The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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