I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
