I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
