if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
