Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
