My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize