So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
