I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
