she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
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