hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
