you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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