Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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