I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
