My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
