So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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