my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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