How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
