my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
