are you still at the devil's house?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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