I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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