What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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