Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
