1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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