If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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