why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
