I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
