I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
