Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
