Ambien. No doubt about it.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
