I just pynch a tree in the face
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
