So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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