So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
