so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Can you repeat that, but with context?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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