none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
