It was confusing and full of hummus
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
