the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
