based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm just crazy horny about you
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
