dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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