which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
