So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
