Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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