evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Randomize
