my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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