I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize