new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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