You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
