I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
