You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
