I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
