don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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