I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
