I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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