my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
