she woke up with a sticky ear
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
