I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
