If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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