I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
