I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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