my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Fuck appropriateness.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
