I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
