Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
